Hello there,
So I wasn't expecting to put this online like I am. It was something I figured was too private and I'll just tell the people that need to know. But no more of that. To hell with it...
I've been really depressed for months. Somewhat cripplingly so. I have trouble rememebering things, concentrating, sleeping, eating... forcing myself to get out of bed each and every day just to face the world - and even worse, other people - without being coerced into doing so by those who live with me. I'm exhausted all the time. I hardly function, and I use pretty much all the energy I can possibly muster to just pretend like I'm fine and there's nothing going on whenever I'm around people. It's exhausting. Being "fine" is exhausting. Keeping people out is exhausting. Functioning like a normal person is exhausting...
There are days when I absolutely have to leave, like for work which is right next to my apartment, when my three roommates force me out of the house because I have to go to work. I only work 4 hour shifts with a 1 hour mandatory break (so 3 paid hours a shift) and my pay checks are only like $70 every couple weeks. There are days where even with all the support or pushing, which helps a lot, doesn't make it possible to deal with other people - let alone myself. I have to go to work though. I haven't been able to get anything else and I need to be able to help with rent, groceries and my other expenses. So some days, if I have to go somewhere and I have a major headache, I just wear my ear plugs so it's completely silent and I just sign to anyone who talks to me unless it's important or I'm at work (except for the awesome occasions when I get to sign with people at work too.)
I just started seeing someone about it finally last week because I only just started to be able to afford it and I don't think I'll be able to for long. I'd see someone at school, but CCC (like the Art Institute) doesn't have a counselor of the sort I'd need to go talk to. Unlike PCC or PSU, which have that type of counseling available and free for their students. A service I wish I got to use... but still. I saw her again for the second time today, and I'll be seeing her weekly.
So right now, I'm seeking help but it doesn't change the fact I've been missing a ton of school because I haven't been able to make it. I have been doing my homework I know of that I can do anyway. I just haven't been able to upload it yet due to the owner(s) of the electronics I had to borrow for everything. I am ashamed of myself for not going to class every week still. I did miss class due to being REALLY sick for a week, and some of the family stuff going on with Adam's cancer. But there were a couple of days I could have gone to class. But I missed my buses out to Oregon City from here due to my own plethora of neurosis, including (mostly) my major depression.
It's no good excuse. There aren't good excuses for missing that much class. But I'll have all my videos up online soon and my finals up as complete as I can make them no later than tomorrow afternoon.
I just thought that anyone who cares enough to read this should know why I haven't been around at all.
Thanks for your patience with me, and thank you guys who have told me that you've missed me around or send warm wishes. I really appreciated that a lot. I hope I'll be able to return next term without any problems like these getting in my way anymore.
- Ash
P.S. I'm sorry for dumping this on everyone/anyone who reads it. If you read it all, you must care to some degree or another. Thank you for your time. :)
P.P.S. I haven't had the email address for Deba since about Halloween-ish and I've emailed Carl before, including that I don't have it, but I never got a reply to it. So, if someone could send it to me or comment on here with it or some such. I'd REALLY appreciate it. Thanks.
